Alice in Wonderland
by FerrisBuellerLovesMe
Summary: A collection of oneshots that all involve Alice in some twisted and comical way. She may be the star or just a mention, but she's always the cause of the trouble.
1. Chasing Shadow

((A/N: According to S. Meyer, a "cat would absolutely hate Edward and refuse to be anywhere near him. Animals freak out around vampires." Reading this, I couldn't help but laugh and got the rather ridiculous idea of Alice buying a cat. This is my first time writing in Edward's POV, so don't be too harsh at how horrible it may be.))

Disclaimer: These characters are not from my mind. They are not, nor never will be mine... well unless they come alive. If that happens I am SO kidnapping Edward and making him mine forever.

Chasing Shadow

"Have you seriously lost your mind Alice?" I asked with wonder if she was really as insane to have bought a cat. A cat. Yes it seems like a reasonable purchase, I can see that, but for someone as cold as we, its not something usually done. Actually, come to think of it, I have never seen one our kind with any type of pet in my entire existence before this moment of Alice and her cat.

"Edward!" Alice looked at me with stern expression.

"Sorry," I muttered realizing I had sent her into past memories of her unknown past. She glared at me with her bronze eyes, holding the black cat closer to her chest. The cat made a noise that reminded me of the yelp a mountain lion gives when it becomes pinned down, a desperate plea for help.

Did she even know what she was doing brining a cat into this house? Not only did animals not take a liking to vampires, it was fresh blood. Of course its blood was not nearly as appetizing as a humans. I had no idea how Alice was not somewhat affected to at least the quick heartbeat of the feline that was causing every limb of mine to twitch with want. However, that might be because of my need to go hunting this weekend and favoritism of mountain lion.

"Anyways, I've decided to name him Shadow," she declared with a dignified grace. From where I sat the piano bench I debated if _Shadow_ would make it out of this house alive as soon as the others discovered him. I could just see the lazy mind of Jasper drifting one night and devouring the feline as a snack. Oh the drama that would cause.

"Alice, you're being ridiculous," I warned her, "when the others hear of this..."

"But Edward look at him!" she squealed and lighted the cat up to her face to nuzzle noses. The cat looked most uncomfortable and wanting to depart of anywhere close to Alice's glistening teeth as soon as possible. "He's just so adorable!"

I couldn't blame Alice for wanting a cat. She couldn't remember the memories of her human past and had a certain way of trying to relive them. I could remember the time she brought home an F on a Calculus test on purpose just to see what Carlisle would do, if he would punish her for the irresponsible grade. He did ground her for her actions (which she had wanted all along), but his thoughts were full of sparkle and mirth at the absurdity of any one of us receiving a failing grade because of lack of knowledge.

On more than one occasion I caught Alice trying to live through Bella. Their friendship had grown to make one nervous of collaboration and blackmail. They would get together at lunch and whisper secrets to one another before an eruption of giggles and their eyes floating in my direction. I could always hear Alice's thoughts, but the fact that I could not hear Bella's when she wore that wry smile she had learned from Alice unnerved me. Alice was my closet sibling and would therefore know the most. Lovely.

"Yes, of course he is, but we are not meant to have pets," I explained, trying my best to not chuckle at her cute little pout. She reminded me of a child with the way I was explaining this to her.

"Says who Edward? It's not against the law!" she fought back with an adolescent whine to her voice. This is why she was my favorite. She didn't care; she just didn't care, while I seemed to over analyze every word and every motion. Alice always made living- for lack of a better word- look so easy and carefree.

"Yes but look at it! You cannot tell me that the cat is actually enjoying the company of two vampires," I explained carefully as I got off the bench and approached her and the feline. "It's just not in our nature to have pets."

"But Edward!" she pleaded just as Emmett and Jasper walked into the room, their massive bulk making the room feel smaller.

"I bought a cat, but Edward won't let me keep it!" Alice pouted to Jasper, the one who would side with her no matter what. However, I didn't need to read his thoughts to know what he was thinking, the grin on his face perfectly exposed his thoughts about the animal. Emmett's grin reflected the same notion as well.

"Shame on you Edward, its just a cat," Jasper chided me with his grin. I glared at him, hearing the debate of how mad Alice would get if he killed her new 'friend.' I tried to tell her!

"Yeah Edward, what's the problem," Emmett smirked and I just shook my head at his same debate. "Anyways Alice, Rosalie needed your help with something upstairs.

"Oh, she probably needed me to help her with her hair for tonight," she sighed and bent down, setting the cat down on the floor, just as Emmett had hoped for. Like lighting, the animal shot out of the room down from the hall.

"First one to catch it wins," Emmett announced, giving Jasper a shove before sprinting off down the hall. In a flash, Jasper recovered from his shove and was down the hallway.

"Emmett! Jasper! No!" Alice yelled in a strangled cry before turning to me, "Edward please! They are going to kill him!"

With a long, resigned sigh of I-told-you-so tone, I too started off after the cat. I had to sprint to catch up, but luckily I was faster than the two, shoving in between them and crouching for the attack. No, no, no attack. This was a saving. I was not part of this childish game to see who could devour Alice's cat first.

Scooping up the black animal in my arms, it warm tempting, I caged it with myself as I heard the thoughts of my opposing teammates approaching. With a slam I was thrown to the floor, body pining me as I curled in a ball around the cat in hopes to save it. The feline gave a desperate yowl of discontentment and I could feel it crawling at me. Luckily, its crawls could not pierce the granite of my skin, but I knew Alice would have to buy me a new shirt for this.

There was a second slam as Jasper flung himself atop of Emmett who was atop of me. Dog pile tackled, all for the sake of a cat. Brilliant, just brilliant.

"Jazz! Emmett! Get off him right now!" Alice's voice came into the mix of deep laughter and grunts. I could feel her giving them soft playful hits to get them to move off of me. Eventually they did, Emmett even extending his hand to help me up, cat cradled in my other arm.

"I told you this was ridiculous," I glared at her, noticing the rips in my shirt. She extended her arms for her dark Shadow and I shook my head. No, I was not going through another tackling for the sake of a cat.

"Fine, I'll take it back to the store," she sighed, glaring at Emmett and Jasper who were still smiling from the fun the chase evoked.

About to hand over the cat, a pair of bright brown eyes flashed in my mind, a sweet smile to contrast her pale face. She loved to cuddle up to me, and though I may be a cold one, who was to say my beautiful Bella did not enjoy cats?

"No, it's alright, I have a better idea," I smirked.


	2. Midnight Leather

A/N: Since you all loved Chasing Shadow I have decided turning this into a collection of one-shots that all have to do with Alice in some way shape or form. I'm going to need your help though coming up with ideas. So please leave comments with ideas! Also I thought it would be fun if you left a phrase of a few words like 'Midnight Leather' and I have to come up with a story to fit the title. Up to you, but your help and comments are always welcomes, appreciated, and needed!

Midnight Leather

Tardiness was not part of the vampire description. No, it wasn't even close to it, and the fact that Edward was now five minutes late to pick up Bella for their date this evening was not making the bronze headed god happy. Actually, it was making him more irritated by the second. Especially because Alice kept pushing a pair of tight, black leather pants in Edward's face as he tried to get ready.

"Edward come on! Everyone has a pair," Alice said in a convincing tone. Edward didn't fall for it though. You had to be kidding him. Everyone? More like the supermodels that lived off the coast of France and Italy. No one in Forks owned black leather unless they had killed someone.

And okay, Edward had killed someone, many actually, but it was not something he was proud of. Plus that type of leather usually came in the form of a jacket, not a shiny pair of pants that could double as a layer of skin.

"Alice," he growled, but she barely even noticed. Instead she picked a piece of his hair and pushed it to the other side as if the change made him look just that much better. "I am not going to wear leather pants."

"Leather pants?" a seductive voice asked as Rosalie entered the room on light feet. Her dress flowed after her as she made her way to Alice to take hold of the midnight black pants that the pixie was waving around.

"Yes and I am not wearing them," Edward told them as he moved to get his jacket down from the hanger in the closet. Rosalie's eyes wandered to across the room, following Edward as he walked, and finally landing on his perfect, firm and tight ass.

"I know, right?" Alice hissed as Rosalie licked her lips. She looked back at the pants in her hands. They were soft and had just the right amount of stretch to show off his perfect rear and the curves of his hip bones that jutted out perfectly. It was bad to think of a brother like this. Really it was. But then again, they were only don't this for Bella...

"Edward..." Rosalie said is a soft tone that made his skin crawl. No. no no no. He knew what she was up to. He could hear her mind spinning and Alice's giggling thoughts. He would not fall for their tricks of womanly seduction just to show up to a date in a pair of leather pants.

"No Rosalie!" he demanded as he turned. Quickly he tried to leave the room, but both girls barricaded the door with their bodies. He tried for the window, but Alice was faster. He was locked in. Stuck. Might as well and call to cancel the date because there was no way he was going out of this house in those pants.

"Edward it's a silly pair of pants," Alice smiled with an innocent grace. Edward was wiser. He knew she had no innocence behind that little smirk. No, she was anything but innocent.

"And its not like you won't look good in them," Rosalie had moved so close to Edward that her body was lightly pressed up to his chest. An ice cold hand rested on his cheek and he felt himself melting backward. No! He needed to leave, now! However, he was stuck looking into her ice-cold eyes, the honey color putting him into a trance.

"But I don't want-" Edward was cut off by her finger to his lips. Alice had taken hold of his hand and he was following her without argument. He knew what was happening, but he couldn't stop it.

"It's okay Edward, Bella will love them," Alice whispered in his ear, the sickly sweet scent of her breath dancing along his skin. He shuddered at the thought. Though vampire, he was only human, only a boy who wanted his girlfriend in ways that shouldn't be said aloud. If she... liked the pants... that much... No!

"But- but- what if..." his speech became slurred as Rosalie pushed him back against the couch and straddled his hips. Her hands quickly started undoing his pants.

"They're just pants Edward..." Alice whispered in his ear.

OOO

The doorbell rang. Only fifteen minutes late, but late enough to make Bella worry. Edward was never late. He was in front of her house the exact moment she stepped outside usually, but tonight he wasn't there. She had begun to pace thinking something had gone horribly wrong. He could have at least called!

Bella opened the door ready to say all this, lay into Edward and yell at him for giving her some type of notice that he was not in ultimate peril, when her eyes hit his face. He was smiling somewhat, a bit of a frown on his lips. She was about to ask what was wrong when her eyes drifted down his chest to his pants. Midnight Leather.

"Wow...pants...dazzle..." was the only thing she got out and rather shakily before fainting on the spot. When Edward caught her, he was sure he could hear Rosalie and Alice laughter somewhere off in the distance.


End file.
